An Obituary for our Mother, Donna Marie Spencer (1942 – 2022)
Dr. Donna Spencer – mom to three children, nana to six grandchildren, friend to many, and beloved psychotherapist to countless more – died peacefully on Saturday, July 23, 2022 at her home in the Central West End of St. Louis, MO. Her children Sean, Matt, and Mary (along with her treasured grandpup, Pearlie) were by her side. In the weeks before her passing, Donna said that she was ready for her “next adventure” – having “lived a full life with no regrets and no loose ends.”
Donna was born in 1942 in Leominster, MA. After being crowned prom queen and graduating high school, she joined the Sisters of Mercy as a semi-cloistered nun. Whenever she told people that she used to be a nun, she loved to add, “That was a long time ago… I’m doing fine, but God is still recovering” – and she always got big laughs from everyone in the room. She’d usually go on to explain that she also had to do a year of silence and that she’s “still making up for it” (she certainly loved to talk!).
As it turns out, the convent wasn’t a great fit for her, but she got a lot out of her eight years as Sister Mary Trinity, including: a college degree (the first in her family), a ticket out of her small hometown, and truly incredible ironing skills (which she would later use for the “just right” tablecloth for one of her signature dinner parties). In time, she found her way to Saint Louis University, where she earned her masters in social work and doctorate in education. Throughout the 1970s and early 1980s, Donna worked as a social worker for Catholic Charities, she taught and mentored students as a professor of social work at Saint Louis University (SLU) and Southern Illinois University Edwardsville, and she started practicing psychotherapy.
Her time at SLU was incredibly formative; it was the first time that she had deeply connected with others over ideas and writing. It lit a spark in her. It was also around this time that she began her work with Milton Erickson and Gerhard Adler, two greats in the worlds of psychotherapy and psychoanalysis. Erickson and Adler (along with Adler’s wife, Hella) mentored our mom – helping her find her own voice and understand her unique value as a psychotherapist. From that point forward – to paraphrase Alicia Keys – “this girl was on fire!”
From the mid-1980s until June of this year, she worked almost exclusively as a psychotherapist in her own private practice in Clayton and the Central West End. It feels strange to even call this “work” because, for her, it was so much more. She had a true gift for helping people. It’s not uncommon to hear clients (and countless others in her orbit) credit Donna with saving their lives, their marriages, their families – or describe her as the most impactful person in their lives. And she often helped people regardless of their ability to pay. As long as they were up for doing the work, she was up for helping them do it. She prided herself in telling clients of all stripes that she was prepared to “fire them” as clients if they weren’t committed to doing the hard work required to create change and improve their lives. In addition to working directly with clients, Donna also shared her ideas and insights through lectures, workshops, and writing throughout much of her career.
Of all her accomplishments, her most cherished one was being “Mom” and “Nana.” She was far from the traditional mother or grandmother. She didn’t believe in rules (the only rule in our house was “don’t lie to Mom”); she was almost always late to pick us up from school; and she didn’t cook or bake (indeed, she never learned how!). But she loved us with an unmatched fierceness every step of the way; she found joy around every corner (and if she couldn’t find it, she created it); she encouraged us to take our own paths, trusting we’d find our way; she made sure we understood our value as individuals and as professionals; and she taught us to love ourselves through her genuine example of self-love.
Several years ago, our mom gave Mary a key chain in the shape of a heart that said, “Choose Happy.” Our mother was a happy person. She got the biggest kick out of life. And at every turn, she chose happy. May we all do the same.
We would also like to draw your attention to a tribute that our dear friend Melissa Fuoss wrote for our mother; it captures her colorful personality and approach to life so beautifully. You can find it here: https://covid19mademedoit.wordpress.com/2022/07/26/look-for-the-light-be-the-light/
Finally, we invite you to leave a note below if you wish – it could be a note about what our mom meant to you or even just a funny memory you might have of her. Anything really… there are no rules in Donna land 😉
Additional Details
Donna is survived by her three children and their spouses – Sean (Kelly) Spencer, Matt (Kate) Spencer, Mary Slosar (Luis Camacho); her six grandchildren – Slayton, Reilly, Ima, Mayu, George, and Henry; and her five grandpups – Chester, Quinn, Toby, Alice, and Pearlie.
Donna’s family will host a private life celebration at a later date.
In lieu of flowers, Donna’s family asks that you consider making a donation to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network in her memory – either online at pancan.org/donate or through the mail at 1500 Rosecrans Ave., Suite 200, Manhattan Beach, CA 90266.
Donna was a petite women with a very BIG personality . Loved by so many and she will be missed GREATLY. So many memories that I have and she also gave to my parents, Ted and Esther. My dad smiled large when Donna’s name was mentioned and my mother, well… she and Donna had lots of conversations and neither could be wrong.
Love to you all. As Donna taught me…listen to your dreams and she will be there, sending love and messages.
Dear Mary and family,
I knew and loved your Mom. That says a lot because I only met her a couple times but you don’t forget Donna. Mary and I used to marvel at how similar our Moms were (my friends called my Mom, Darlene/Dar, the “happy nun from Sister Act.” I have a feeling someday Donna and Dar will find each other and be yucking it up, smiling, laughing and talking about us from beyond!
Love to all
Donna saved my life.
Donna changed my life.
Donna made me realize I am worth it, and that life is worth living, but it sure does require a lot of work!!!
Donna was as intensely honest as she was loving, and held her family, and friends, in the highest regard.
Donna taught me to love myself.
Donna taught me that life is 3 different screens, and to know the difference between them.
Donna taught me how to love my wife; I’ll forever be catching up.
Donna taught me to be a man.
Donna believed in me when other another very well known and respected doctor wouldn’t: he told her I was a lost cause, she wasn’t hearing it.
Donna was a guide, now she’s a god, and she’ll forever be my friend.
I love you, Donna.
Big hugs in the sky soon.
And, Donna also insisted on bringing Joy, Hope and laughter to those of us who have been long times residents the Executive House. And only God knows why she, year after year, served on the board for the condo association – – a real act of faith, hope and generosity. Thank you Donna❣️
I only had the pleasure of meeting Donna once, on Valentine’s Day 2020,
before the big lockdown.
She was the mother of a client who I’d come to adore for her smarts and humor. Donna was the same.
We had dinner and went to a comedy show. I don’t remember the comics, but I remember Donna.
She was the kind of person I wanted to hang out with and laugh with all the time.
and hear her perspective about people and all our foibles.
She was – and actually, will always be – who I want to be and be remembered as when I grow up.
Smart, funny, and real AF. Long may she wave.
Dr. Donna was a good friend, an energetic spirit, and a wise counselor to me and my son. I extend my heartfelt condolences to her children, grandchildren, and surviving dogs. I will miss her dearly.
There will never be words adequate enough to express my gratitude for Donna’s impact on my life. She saved me from myself more times than I can count, and held me accountable when I wanted to shut down and quit. Donna lived what she preached and she personified integrity. She taught me that happiness is an inside job, and that in order to truly love others, you must first love yourself. During my pregnancy she painstakingly helped me to heal traumas from my past so that I could enter single motherhood with confidence and joy. Raising my son has beeen the greatest experience of my life because of her dedication to my well-being. She taught me the importance of having strong boundaries and knowing when to walk away from anyone who can’t “smell their own shit,” or anything that hinders my growth and enlightenment. Because of Donna, I am a better Mother, Friend, Partner, Lawyer, Daughter, and Woman. I lean on her wisdom every single day and strive to live authentically, no matter what cards I’m dealt (and no matter how many times I have to exit screen one). I hope that when we meet again, I will have made her proud. Fly high, sweet Donna! I can’t wait for you to visit me in my dreams. Big big hugs.
Sean, Matt and Mary,
I had the good fortune to have your mother as a professor of Social Work at SLU in the late 1970’s. To be brief, she was energetic, captivating, entertaining and she had students sitting on the edge of their desk desperate to soak up her knowledge! To this day, I remember plenty of the stories she told of, “when I was a young social worker” I carried them with me through my entire career. How lucky you were to have her as your mom and champion!!
Somos Nancy y Antonio Camacho, padres de Luis, esposo de Mary.
Queremos transmitir a toda la familia y amigos, nuestros sentimientos de pesar y tristeza por la partida de Donna; pero a la vez, sentimientos de sosiego y paz, porque partió rodeada de amor.
Físicamente ya no la vemos, pero permanece en nuestros recuerdos, pensamientos, y en nuestros corazones.
El tiempo que compartimos con ella fue por el año 2010 en que vino a Perú con la familia, para la Boda de Mary y Luis.
Era una mujer elegante vistiera lo que vistiera. Y la belleza de su interior se exteriorizaba, no solo en lo bonita que era, sino, en una sonrisa que iluminaba todo.
Con su sencillez se ganó el cariño de toda la familia, de los Camacho, de los Solís y también de nuestras amistades.
Fuimos luego a la ceremonia y recepción de la boda de los chicos, a Saint Louis. Ahí, su hospitalidad, y la de su familia nos hizo sentir como en casa.
Regresamos en el 2012 para celebrar su cumpleaños. Lo pasamos genial tanto en su depa donde nos alojamos como en casa de Sean y Kelly.
Posteriormente coincidimos muy pocas veces en casa de los chicos, pero nos saludamos siempre por los cumpleaños y nos enviaba fotos de los nietos.
En el 2021 estando en casa de Mary y Luis, le dan el diagnóstico. Fue muy duro.
Ahora, ya está libre!!!!
Terminamos esta breve reseña con las mismas palabras que ella nos dijo: “ Somos bendecidos, por habernos encontrado a través de Mary&Luis “
Descansa en Paz Donna querida. Nos volveremos a encontrar. Besos al cielo.
I’m going to remember her eating ice cream after school and talking to me like she’d known me forever. I only wish I’d known her even better. She clearly was a very special person. Love to your entire family as you walk this path♥️
Donna was a joy. We had a unique friendship because she was in and I was in the seminary. While most people about their faith, both of us continue to be people of deep faith. I was hoping to have dinner with her one more because we enjoyed challenging each other. She’ll be missed by everyone that knew her.